why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
