Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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