you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
