If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
