perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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