just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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