my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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