I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
