So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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