How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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