you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
