you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i came on her dog
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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