I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
