so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
