I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
my liver is dry heaving
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
