last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
