she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
