I can text with my tongue
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
