If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
