I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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