Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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