Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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