I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
