i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
