so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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