3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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