She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
