I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
