mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
