i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
