I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
