My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
