i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
