remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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