Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
