I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
