I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
