i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
