I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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