dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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