I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
