I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
