Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
