If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
