are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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