can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I yelled at your uterus for you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
