if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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