Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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