Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
