someone get that fucking seahorse.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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