I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
