he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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