ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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