Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
