Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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