I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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