I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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