just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize