if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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